Love...glad you're here

There are many things adoptive families worry about with their new child...weight gain in malnourished kiddos, developmental delays, parasites, and/or unknown (or known) medical issues. Another major area of worry...for some bigger than all the above...is attachment. Will this child become bonded to our family? Will they learn what it means to be truly loved? Will they forego the attention of strangers..which may have meant how they survived before...for just that of Mom and Dad? A LOT of adoptive forums and books address attachment...how to nurture it, how to recognize the signs when it's not going well, forms of therapy, etc. However most of these discuss the child's attachment and few touch on the parent's attachment. But why should they? After going through everything that most adoptive parents do to adopt...of course they will love the child immediately, right?

I didn't. Neither for Alexander nor Lucas. I was very surprised when this happened with Alexander. We went through hell to bring him home and yet it took months before I felt this little boy was my son. Prior to that I felt affection but more so that I was babysitting someone else's child. Some adoptive parents fall in love immediately with their child and I was often jealous when hearing these stories. I also felt quite guilty about these feelings until I realized that parents with biological children have about 9 months to start bonding to their child and even then in some cases takes a while afterwards to make those deeper connections.

When we met Lucas I thought well maybe this time it will be different. Here's this ADORABLE, sweet and calm BABY. What is not to love? But no...I guess I just don't give my heart away that easily. However, almost 4 months home, I am happy to say that I love this little guy with all my heart. What was the exact moment? I'm not sure there was one. But I find myself staying in his room at night watching him long after he has fallen asleep...his cries tug at my heart much more deeply than before...I absolutely love making him smile...and I can't imagine our house without his laughter and sounds of "uh-oh".

As for Lucas' attachment...it is going well. He's appropriately upset when we leave and happy and excited when we return. He has a little more anxiety with my leaving than Paul's but I think it's lessening. He is shyish around strangers...for a couple minutes anyway...and then starts to turn on the smiles but always near us. He readily accepts comfort and is affectionate with kisses and hugs. We still have ways to go but I'm not worried.

So far all of you who are still waiting to bring your kiddos home...don't put too much pressure on yourselves in the beginning. Attachment is a 2-way street...but love will come.

Changes abound

Changes all around in the Knight household...for each and every one of us.

Paul's Fall semester of classes has started (he's finishing an online program for an Information Technology degree). No more watching The Rachel Maddow show together for a while and a few weekends where I'm "on duty" so he can do homework but Paul has been working hard towards this and I'm glad it's not me this time! (I did my MPH part-time while working full time...no-way no-how these days).

I started back to work part-time this week. Although I was working from home over the summer, I'm back in the office a few days a week. I would much prefer, of course, to stay home longer with Lucas BUT I have to say I am glad to return to doing my work AT work. If I could have changed anything during my leave it would have been to find a way not to have worked, even minimally, from home over the summer. It was just way too much and tiring to fit things in during naps and at night when I was most needing a break. Now when I leave the office I can leave it all where it belongs.

Alexander started Kindergarten last week and has been doing great! The first few days he was so exhausted when I picked up I thought he'd barely be able to walk the 2 blocks home. Not that he went to bed any earlier but he didn't have his usual evening energy. He seems to be adjusting well to the new routine of going to school M-F and loves getting out earlier in the afternoon than he did in preschool. This will really be great when it's winter and DARK at 4:30p. He's making friends quickly and it makes my heart swell to hear him talk about playing with his new BFFs at recess and hear them all say bye to each other in the afternoon. Some of these friendships may last a long time!

OK - those where the 'easy' ones...

Lucas has had a BIG couple of weeks! Two weeks ago we went away for our first overnight since he's been home to Storyland in NH. We stayed overnight at a family-friendly inn and let's say Lucas wasn't too crazy about being away from home. Who can blame him? He had a very hard time going to sleep and then proceeded to wake at 4am and then stayed awake...he had enough sleep at the point where his discomfort at his surroundings outweighed his need to sleep more. He was then up for the whole day, sleeping only 45 min on the car ride home. The very next day, his 3-month anniversary home, my easy, happy, go-with-the-flow little guy started a whole new set of behaviors which exist still. He started whining and easily crying when he needs/wants something and he began exhibiting separation anxiety from me for minor separations (e.g., going upstairs, to the bathroom, etc). He's also been much harder to put down at night now...really resisting sleep. OK so in hindsight the trip to NH wasn't the best idea, but at some point we needed to bite the bullet with a change to our schedule and handle the repercussions. Also with 2 kids every once in a while you'll do something for one that is probably not so great for the other and vice versa.

Oh, I know...let's add part-time school to the mix! Last week we gradually started him at the Montessori school and all-in-all things have gone well. The staff was very accepting of how we wanted to transition and has been just wonderful and caring towards us. We started with a joint visit for an hour, then the next day I left him for about an hour and the following for about 3 hours. Both times I left him he didn't cry (which was odd considering his separation issues at home) and they said he quickly became involved with all the activities. This week though he's been in for two full days (until 3p) and there were tears (his and mine) in the mornings and today they said he had a bit of a hard time in the morning and at naptime. They said he felt better after looking at the photo album we left for him - I am so happy they remembered to show it to him! It will take a while for it to settle in that we'll always be back for him and for him to relax and feel completely free to have fun. I wish there was a way to have him know that now and save him from these unknown feelings and fears but alas trust is to be earned.

I'll leave with a few photos from the past couple weeks. Happy Fall!

Laura

Bamboo shutes at Storyland

In 'jail'

Tired of playing peek-a-boo...

First day of Kindergarten...

Brother love...

Anniversaries...out of sorrow comes joy

One year ago on Saturday, September 6th Paul and I prepared to board a plane to Russia. We had started the journey to adopt our second child in October 2007 and had initially requested to adopt a girl to even out our family. From the time we started more and more families were requesting girls from Russia and thus the wait became very long. Alexander was growing older and I didn't want him and his sibling too far apart in age. After about 9 months we decided we really didn't care about gender and switched our request to be open to either. Of course that really meant we were now pretty assured of adopting a boy. Also over the course of that time many issues were cropping up with our agency - frequently changing coordinators, rumors of issues in our region, cancelled first trips due to lack of relatively healthy referrals (even for boys), etc. We were getting nervous but had invested not only money but time and the road had been long and hard with Alexander's adoption and they had carried us through before. In mid -August we got news that we had a referral and would be leaving on Sept 6th to hopefully meet our next child. The next two weeks were excruciating as we got news that another family's trip had been cancelled the day before they were to leave and ours was also in jeopardy. We also learned, just days before our departure date, that our 'potential' referral was actually a young girl with a cleft lip/palate and how did we feel about that? We felt totally fine with that...but of course thrown for a loop of what we were now expecting our family to be.

One year ago on Saturday, September 6th we were extremely nervous of what the upcoming week was going to bring and how we were about to possibly change our family forever. One year ago we got to the airport but did not get on the plane. We were devastated and heartbroken. It was not our agency or Russia but an issue we should have addressed long before that day, which became known as "Black Saturday". It's still somewhat sensitive so I won't post the details but many of you know and/or can ask offline. One year ago I thought our dreams for a second child were completely destroyed. In the coming days we saw no other road...other countries or domestic scenarios did not feel right in my heart nor in some cases what we could do for numerous reasons. After what occurred I know many thought we were done with Russia and potentially adopting another child and I know a few thought we should give up and move on...this was just not meant to be. But we were not ready to give up just yet and painfully worked long and hard to get back to square one (including switching our home study and adoption agency along the way which was no small task). Little did we know that EXACTLY 9 months later to the day (June 6, 09) that our now beloved Lucas would be arriving on US soil to a welcoming crowd of friends and family.

Today marks Lucas' 3 month anniversary of coming home and the beautiful and perfect completion of our family. But it also marks the one year anniversary of a very painful day that is now part of our history and Lucas' story. Who knows what things would be like today if we had boarded that plane one year ago and who would now be sleeping upstairs but it was not meant to be...Lucas was...and so I am forever thankful for Black Saturday.