Love...glad you're here

There are many things adoptive families worry about with their new child...weight gain in malnourished kiddos, developmental delays, parasites, and/or unknown (or known) medical issues. Another major area of worry...for some bigger than all the above...is attachment. Will this child become bonded to our family? Will they learn what it means to be truly loved? Will they forego the attention of strangers..which may have meant how they survived before...for just that of Mom and Dad? A LOT of adoptive forums and books address attachment...how to nurture it, how to recognize the signs when it's not going well, forms of therapy, etc. However most of these discuss the child's attachment and few touch on the parent's attachment. But why should they? After going through everything that most adoptive parents do to adopt...of course they will love the child immediately, right?

I didn't. Neither for Alexander nor Lucas. I was very surprised when this happened with Alexander. We went through hell to bring him home and yet it took months before I felt this little boy was my son. Prior to that I felt affection but more so that I was babysitting someone else's child. Some adoptive parents fall in love immediately with their child and I was often jealous when hearing these stories. I also felt quite guilty about these feelings until I realized that parents with biological children have about 9 months to start bonding to their child and even then in some cases takes a while afterwards to make those deeper connections.

When we met Lucas I thought well maybe this time it will be different. Here's this ADORABLE, sweet and calm BABY. What is not to love? But no...I guess I just don't give my heart away that easily. However, almost 4 months home, I am happy to say that I love this little guy with all my heart. What was the exact moment? I'm not sure there was one. But I find myself staying in his room at night watching him long after he has fallen asleep...his cries tug at my heart much more deeply than before...I absolutely love making him smile...and I can't imagine our house without his laughter and sounds of "uh-oh".

As for Lucas' attachment...it is going well. He's appropriately upset when we leave and happy and excited when we return. He has a little more anxiety with my leaving than Paul's but I think it's lessening. He is shyish around strangers...for a couple minutes anyway...and then starts to turn on the smiles but always near us. He readily accepts comfort and is affectionate with kisses and hugs. We still have ways to go but I'm not worried.

So far all of you who are still waiting to bring your kiddos home...don't put too much pressure on yourselves in the beginning. Attachment is a 2-way street...but love will come.